We were engaged to be married and it had been roses and chocolates and love letters until this point. I had known him since I was a young girl. We talked often. Well, I mostly talked and he listened. The time with him was always good and so refreshing. I felt like I wanted to be with him forever. I felt like there would never be a bad day with him. Ever! Until that one day when he sat me down for the TALK.
It started like most of our other talks with my naive giddy emotion. I was so happy to be spending time alone. Just the two of us! I had a lot of meaningless chatter and silly questions. He waited patiently on me to finish.
Then, I saw his expression change. It was his turn to talk. He told me there was a side of him that I didn't know and he was worried that if I ever found out about it that I would leave him. I laughed it off!
"Why so serious? We've had so much fun together? What could possibly ever make me leave you? I would be crazy! Look how well we get along! Look at how good we communicate."
I had many rebuttals.
But, as he talked I started to see there was more. I couldn't ignore this. It was a big deal. This was getting deep. I started to get uncomfortable. This couldn't be. It just couldn't.
Even though we had known each other for quite some time, we really never talked much about his past. I never asked or acted interested or concerned. I'm sure if I would have asked he would have told me anything I wanted to know.
I mainly talked to him about our future together. He was a building contractor at the time and had already had the designs for our house after marriage. Did he want children? (Thankfully, yes). We talked about boundaries and relationships with others.
I knew a little about his family. I knew he had a great mom and step dad. I knew he had brothers and sisters. I knew some of his friends that would be in the wedding party. But I didn't realize what those same friends had put him through. I had heard one of his friends committed suicide but I didn't know the whole story. I didn't know about the jail time and court cases.
As he talked to me more, I cried. He said if I was going to be with him forever I would have to know him deeper. He asked me if I would stay with him if he let me go through some of things he went through. Knowing he could shield me and protect me from the pain, the emotions the affliction, the distress.
I didn't know if I could stay. How could he expect me to love him if he would just let bad things happen to me without stopping them? He was strong! He was so powerful. He could stop anything that could come against me. This wasn't love. This wasn't happy, fun, exciting flirty love. I told him I would have to think about it. Really, I just wanted to run and never look back.
After a few days of thinking it over, I decided I would stay. I would choose to be with him over any pain or suffering I had to endure. My whole goal was to marry him and live with him forever. I wanted to be just like him. If that is what it took, going through what he went through, then I was ready.
Until this point, I had only known him in the Power of his resurrection and never known him in the Fellowship of his suffering. (Philippians 3:10)
For now, I'm keeping my dress clean, protected and white and making sure I have plenty oil to spare. I love flowers, chocolate and love letters. And as for the suffering, I still don't much like it but I am realizing it makes me closer to Him and more like Him. I just run to him and tell him about it and let him hold me through it. Even though he doesn't always stop it, he sure does always help me through it.
P.S. I can't wait to see our new home!
